


Meet the Creators

by annunciatingArchangel



Series: Epilogorrhea: long-abandoned post-canon Homestuck works [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25711801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annunciatingArchangel/pseuds/annunciatingArchangel
Summary: After five millenia, Earth C's civilization finally gets to know the Creators who made it possible.
Series: Epilogorrhea: long-abandoned post-canon Homestuck works [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864780
Kudos: 10





	Meet the Creators

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to write a long, kinda fluffy, worldbuilding epilogue. Then, The Homestuck Epilogues appeared, and I lost motivation to work on it. Now, I figure that since I'll never finish what I started, I might as well share the incomplete, abandoned works as they are.

You are a RESPECTED JOURNALIST. You are sitting in a fancy chair. In front of you is an array of cameras, which are recording. Behind you is a bronze statue of a man in fanciful robes bearing the symbol of BREATH, resting a WARHAMMER on his shoulder; his hood and sleeves are empty, as though his body were invisible. To your right is a teenage boy, dressed in a business suit that bears the same symbol, sitting in another fancy chair.

You tell your viewers you are sitting in the TEMPLE OF THE VAST CROAK with JOHN EGBERT. You tell them he is the HEIR OF BREATH, the fabled BANISHER OF STORMS AND ASH, an ECTO-BIOLOGIST, an ANCESTOR TO EVERY HUMAN BEING ALIVE, and one of the CREATORS OF THE UNIVERSE.

You are quite sure all of them already know these things, but you are a consummate journalist, and you think it's important to frame your interview with some basic contextual facts.

John waves to the viewers with a big, goofy grin.

##### John: :

> hi everyone!
> 
> it's great to be here.

You tell John what an honor it is to interview him and that this is a historic occasion. His eyebrows flick up, and he glances away. He scratches at the back of his head.

##### John: :

> i guess it is! heh.
> 
> it is weird for me to think about it that way.
> 
> i do not feel very historic.
> 
> i am so not historic, in fact, that i just skipped five thousand years of history!
> 
> by the way, i love what you guys have done with the place.

You tell John that's as good a place to start as any. You say civilization's history has many tales of the Creators' world-shaping power and influence over the last five thousand years, and the Heir of Breath is no exception. You ask him to explain what it means that he skipped five thousand years of history.

##### John: :

> well, you know that we have a knight of time. that's dave.
> 
> dave can warp us back and forth through history.
> 
> so, it means he did that, and warped us straight from the dawn of civilization to this point.
> 
> from my perspective, the vast croak happened, um, about twelve days ago?
> 
> that's a week on your calendar, right? it is going to take me a while to get used to that.
> 
> we walked in with the planet, helped get can town started, cooked up a bunch of ecto-babies, and then dave warped us to the year 5000.
> 
> all my banisher of storms stuff, and really anything we've done since the first election, is actually still in our future, even though it's in your past.
> 
> maybe i am not doing a good job of explaining this.
> 
> basically, we are planning to go back in time eventually, as adults, so we can pick up where we left off.
> 
> and since your history says all that stuff we did, and we don't remember doing it yet, i guess we are going to stick to that plan!

You say he describes these events with such nonchalance. You say he has to admit it sounds like a pretty fantastic tale.

—You say you mean of course he doesn't _have_ to admit, it's just a turn of phrase, you hope he can forgive the impertinence—

##### John: :

> whoa, no, it's okay! jeez.
> 
> you can use turns of phrase with me, it's fine.
> 
> and you are right, i do have to admit that.
> 
> it is a pretty fantastic tale.
> 
> i am sorry for not being more chalant. or whatever the opposite of nonchalant is.
> 
> ok, let me start over.

John stands up, strikes a heroic pose, and addresses the camera in his most over-the-top booming god voice.

He is the God of Breath, so it is quite booming indeed. It echoes from the hard stone walls of the temple. It's an otherworldly, almost fearsome experience, especially coming from an adolescent boy.

##### John: :

> GREETINGS, INHABITANTS OF EARTH C!
> 
> I, JOHN EGBERT, GOD OF BREATH, SHALL REGALE YOU WITH THE STORY OF—
> 
> *snrk*
> 
> haha!
> 
> "regale".
> 
> that was totally unintentional.
> 
> is that more like what you were expecting, though?

You say you're not in the business of putting expectations on the gods. You say you're sure his laid-back manner is comforting to many of your viewers, and is probably more informative than the theatric version. John smiles and plops back down in his seat.

You ask why they decided to jump back and forth in time rather than growing up in the dawn of civilization.

##### John: :

> rose said we should.
> 
> we actually argued a lot about it.
> 
> a lot of us were upset about the idea because it seeemed like we were shirking our duty to the new universe we created.
> 
> plus, nobody likes dealing with messy causality.
> 
> i'm sure there are a lot of things we're going to do specifically because history tells us we already did, and not because we actually ever decided to.
> 
> that's not an easy thing to accept.
> 
> but the thing is...
> 
> we're teenagers.
> 
> we are not exactly qualified to run a universe!
> 
> not yet, at least.
> 
> and even if we were, we just went through this big, traumatic ordeal.
> 
> creating a universe is not an experience i would recommend! i sincerely hope i never have to do it again.
> 
> so we need to finish growing up, and finish our education, and not try to guide a fledgling civilization through a new and alien universe until we're actually ready.
> 
> rose said doing it this way would lead to the best outcome for earth c, and she is the seer of light, so she knows that kind of thing.

You say you're sure everyone is grateful that the Creators are so careful to bring about the best outcome for Earth C's inhabitants. You ask why they chose to appear at this specific moment in time.

##### John: :

> rose says this is the point when earth c doesn't need gods anymore.
> 
> and i guess that's important for us.
> 
> because it means we can grow up without fretting about all the important work we're supposed to be doing.
> 
> and thanks to time shenanigans, we can spend pretty much as long as we want in this golden age of yours before we roll up our sleeves and go back to year one.
> 
> or year zero. i forget which way we were counting it.
> 
> but i think most of us are actually looking forward to it, so it probably won't be more than a few decades.
> 
> it's a good feeling, helping people!
> 
> especially by doing something only you can do.

You say there's no rush. You say it is really just such an amazing experience, such a privilege, to live in this time, to meet the Creators of the Universe, and personally, to interview one of them. You say they are welcome to stay as long as they like, and you think everyone hopes that's a very long time.

##### John: :

> heh. well, thanks!
> 
> but...
> 
> that's kind of an intimidating thought, to be honest.
> 
> not the staying part, but the welcome part.
> 
> it's kind of mind-boggling to me to think about how many people are watching this.
> 
> (hi guys!)
> 
> you all...
> 
> kind of have me at a disadvantage, i guess?
> 
> i guess we're part of your culture, and you all "know" us in some way.
> 
> but i don't really "know" almost anything about you!
> 
> even though i've apparently been banishing storms and whatever for the last five thousand years.
> 
> i feel like this is an ungrateful thing to say, and i'm sorry for that, but...
> 
> you guys are making such an overwhelming fuss about us, and it's all very positive and well-intentioned, but it makes a guy think twice about appearing in public.

You ask if John has had any off-putting experiences in public spaces since arriving in Year 5000.

##### John: :

> i wouldn't say they were off-putting.
> 
> it's always a nice time, meeting people, giving them autographs or blessings or whatever, or just talking.
> 
> but it's almost never what i originally meant to spend my time doing.
> 
> maybe i wanted to just take a walk in the park, or see a movie, or go get some new clothes.
> 
> but it always turns into a quasi-religious meet and greet.
> 
> and i never wake up thinking "you know what, today i think i want to do a quasi-religious meet and greet."
> 
> so i've been going out less than i used to before the g—
> 
> —before the incipience, and that already wasn't much.

You ask John if there are questions that come up frequently when he meets new people.

##### John: :

> a lot of people ask about their personal stuff.
> 
> "here is my situation, please give me divine wisdom about it."
> 
> "here is my situation, why did you make that happen."
> 
> "here is my situation, please just make it go away."
> 
> for that last one, the church actually gave me a phone app to pull up a canned response, which is...
> 
> hold on...
> 
> okay, here.
> 
> "The Church of the Vast Croak asks that all persons refrain from petitioning minors for divine intervention.
> 
> "To ensure that your petition is treated according to our ethical standards, privacy standards, and urgency guidelines, please submit your petition to the Church or to an adult Creator."
> 
> and there's a QR code i can show people, to download the prayr app.
> 
> it is weird, coming to a world that we have already influenced in ways we don't know about, because we haven't... done them, yet.
> 
> but also kind of comforting. it's like it is impossible for there to be serious problems, because our future selves have already gone back and pre-empted them.
> 
> i guess that was the whole point, heh.

##### John: :

> anyway, back to the quasi-religious meet and greets...
> 
> besides people's problems, i get a lot of grand, existential questions.
> 
> "is free will real, or is everything predestined?"
> 
> "why did you create the universe?"
> 
> "what is the meaning of life?"
> 
> this is all pretty heavy stuff.
> 
> i think people have some misconceptions about what a god is, or what it means that we created the universe.
> 
> we're not omnipotent or omniscient.
> 
> we don't control everything, everywhere, all the time.
> 
> we don't decide the meaning of life!
> 
> i mean, personally, i do have an opinion about that.
> 
> i think the meaning of life is to make friends and have a good time.
> 
> but i know there are a lot of people who wouldn't be satisfied with that.
> 
> and to them, i say...
> 
> don't worry about what i think!
> 
> i am not any more qualified to do philosophy than you are.
> 
> i don't think there is some cosmic truth waiting to be discovered, that everyone can live their lives by so that they're happy and fulfilled.
> 
> i think you just have to figure it out for yourself.
> 
> different people will come up with different answers, and that's okay.
> 
> it doesn't mean some of those answers are wrong, it just means the right answer depends on the person.
> 
> of course, there are definitely some wrong answers out there.
> 
> before we created the universe...

##### John::

> ##### John: :

> actually, never mind, i don't think i want to get into that today.

You tell John you think what he just said could have a big impact on your viewers. You say for someone who says he's not a source of ultimate truth, he sure has some insightful things to say.

##### John: :

> heh.
> 
> well...
> 
> i hope it helps!
> 
> but seriously, don't listen to me just because i am a god, or because i participated in creating the universe.
> 
> as for why we created the universe, circumstances more or less forced us to.
> 
> as trivial as this makes it sound, we ended up in a situation where creating a universe is just the thing that you do.
> 
> plus our old universes got destroyed, and we are generally in favor of civilization being a thing that exists, so we kind of needed a new one.

You repeat the word "destroyed" back to John. You notice your jaw is slack. You ask how his universe was destroyed. You take care to affect a neutral expression; it takes more concentration than it's supposed to.

John is silent for a moment. He opens his mouth, closes it. He looks at your shoes and frowns.

You collect yourself a bit more, and you say perhaps that's the wrong question to ask. You say your viewers are probably most interested in whether whatever happened to the Creators' homes could happen here, too.

##### John: :

> no.
> 
> we couldn't protect those universes.
> 
> but we can protect this one.
> 
> and we will.
> 
> i promise.

You ask what has changed that would make him so sure.

##### John: :

> we weren't gods yet.
> 
> we didn't know what was going on.
> 
> even if we had known, we didn't have the power to stop it.
> 
> but we do now.
> 
> we can keep you safe, and we will.
> 
> no matter what.
> 
> if a million meteors rain from the sky, jade will catch them.
> 
> if aliens invade, rose will outsmart them.
> 
> if famine strikes, roxy will create as much food as you need.
> 
> if your reality breaks down and nothing makes sense, i will find you a new one.
> 
> we have worked too hard, and lost too much.
> 
> we won't let that be in vain.

John's voice has gone quiet, and his eyes are watering. You realize the gravity of the moment you are experiencing. You wonder what the scriptures will call it. "The Egbertian Oath"? "The Covenant of Breath"?

Quietly, meekly, you say amen.

##### John: :

> what?
> 
> oh.
> 
> heh, right. 'cause i'm a god.
> 
> yikes, look at me being all dramatic.
> 
> i just watch too many corny action movies, don't mind me.

John pulls out his handkerchief, which had been neatly folded in his jacket's top pocket. He dabs at his eyes.

##### John: :

> the point is, you don't have to worry.
> 
> we've got the existential stuff taken care of.
> 
> i think, um...
> 
> i think i could use some more lighthearted questions, right about now, if you've got them.

You pause for a moment, processing the notion that a god, a Creator of the Universe, is in distress, and and that he is asking you for comfort. You have the most distinguished career in the planet's history of journalism, but nothing could have prepared you for how weird this is.

You suggest returning to the topic of common questions the public asks John. You ask if there are recurring questions about John himself, or the other Creators, as opposed to the universe they created.

##### John: :

> hmm. yeah, good question.
> 
> well, a lot of people are incredulous that we're kids.
> 
> one question i get a lot is whether we're actually way older than we look.
> 
> the answer to that one is no.
> 
> i am literally sixteen years old, and yes, my years are the same as your years.
> 
> we're all around that age, give or take a few months.
> 
> when i tell people this stuff, they usually ask what our childhoods were like.
> 
> they assume we had to be, like...
> 
> specially groomed for our divine destiny.
> 
> i definitely was not.
> 
> i grew up in a suburb, with my single dad.
> 
> i went to school, watched movies, played video games, learned magic tricks, made some friends online.
> 
> i mean, not actual magic. just sleight of hand stuff.
> 
> i should clarify that, since i am a god.
> 
> but i guess some of us had weirder lives that were closer to what people imagine about us.
> 
> dave spent basically his whole childhood getting taught to fight with swords.
> 
> but he also did some things that had nothing to do with his destiny. like, he made electronic music for fun, and practiced freestyle rap.
> 
> dave is a cool guy.
> 
> but, so, it's not like anyone sat us down and explained we were going to make a universe, and told us how to do a good job at that.
> 
> fortunately, we have time shenanigans to help us fill that gap in our education.
> 
> heh, i never thought i would be counting myself lucky to be going through confusing time travel nonsense.

##### John: :

> but, anyway, when it's other kids talking to us, they usually have more normal questions for us.
> 
> like what movies or video games we like.
> 
> those are topics that i love to talk about!
> 
> except those conversations are pretty dull, so far, because the movies and video games that i like are ancient now, and also from a version of earth that never existed.
> 
> and i haven't had a chance to catch up on pop culture yet.
> 
> so i don't have much in common with anyone, but it's not like i really did before, either.
> 
> i figured out, though, that if i just ask people to tell me about their favorite stuff, most of them can ramble about it pretty much forever, and they don't need me to say anything.
> 
> it's great. it gives me a break from having to figure out the right thing to say, and i get to listen to someone talk about something that makes them really happy.
> 
> that is what i call a win-win situation.
> 
> and i usually end up with a list of movies to watch, and games to play. so it is really more like win-win-win.

You say it sounds like John enjoys those conversations the most.

##### John: :

> yeah.
> 
> i don't mind people asking me big philosophical questions. it makes sense that they would want to.
> 
> they are definitely interesting conversations, in their own way.
> 
> but i have really been looking forward to relaxing and enjoying life now that the incipience is done.
> 
> and those conversations are kind of a chore for me.
> 
> i would much rather talk about fun stuff that's not important.
> 
> and tell inside jokes based on dave's stutid webcomics.
> 
> heh, sorry to disappoint.

You say there's nothing disappointing about that. You say it makes sense, in the context of their journey through time, that dispensing divine wisdom would not be high on their list of priorities.

##### John: :

> i mean, it actually is high on our list of priorities.
> 
> it's just that you guys have a culture that is already pretty much built on that divine wisdom, i guess.
> 
> i am kind of looking forward to learning what our divine wisdom even is, since we will probably come up with more of it when we are adults.

You say you've noticed John referring to the other Creators informally, by their given names. You say it's fascinating to hear the Creators referred to in that way. You say most people have grown up hearing about the Heir of Breath, the Seer of Light, the Knight of Time, and such, rather than John, Rose, or Dave. You say it makes you curious about how the Creators associate with each other as people. You ask if they are all friends.

##### John: :

> well, i don't know what they would all say, but i definitely consider them all my friends.
> 
> the crockers are family, and jade and jake, but that doesn't keep them from also being my friends.
> 
> a lot of people on my earth had these arbitrary rules about what friendship means. like, family aren't friends, they're family.
> 
> i think that's dumb.
> 
> you can be friends with your family. you can be friends with people you have only ever talked to online.
> 
> you can be friends with people you just met!
> 
> you can even be friends with karkat.
> 
> haha, burn.
> 
> but i don't want to make it sound like all that friendship doesn't mean much.
> 
> all of them are great. i don't think there's anyone in all of paradox space who would have been a better creator.
> 
> i am really glad to know them all.
> 
> you know, considering all the weirdos and sociopaths you can run into, out there in paradox space...
> 
> you guys really hit the jackpot.
> 
> i guess i did, too!

You tell John the legends describe him as the leader of his quartet, and according to some interpretations, leader of the entire Incipience. You ask him to talk about leadership among gods.

##### John: :

> yikes. i have to tell you, i was not expecting that notion to still exist after five thousand years.
> 
> and the answer will be kind of disappointing.
> 
> basically, i don't know what i did that made anyone call me their leader.
> 
> but rose and roxy are very firmly convinced that i am, so ask them, i guess.
> 
> the way i see it, i wasn't giving orders, and a lot of the time, i didn't even know what was going on!
> 
> but rose won't let me deny i'm the leader, on penalty of some over-the-top fit of gymnastics, i guess?
> 
> and anyway, i trust her judgment, even if i don't necessarily understand it.
> 
> so sure, i was the leader of the human team with rose, dave, and jade, and i was the leader of the team that killed the condesce, which included rose, kanaya, and roxy.
> 
> i am going to draw the line there, though. i wasn't the leader of the entire incipience.
> 
> a lot of it happened before i even existed! karkat's team made my whole universe in their incipisphere.
> 
> haha, oh man. i cannot wait to see you interview him.

You ask John what he thinks your viewers should expect when the other Creators are interviewed.

##### John: :

> well, karkat is very loud. and he is very strongly opinionated.
> 
> he is not going to be shy about dispensing divine wisdom, like i am.
> 
> except he is not a god, so his wisdom isn't divine wisdom, it is really just regular wisdom.
> 
> but he's worth listening to. he is very insightful, and he usually has a good reason for yelling about whatever it is he's yelling about.
> 
> he is going to find some reason to chew you out, i guarantee it. don't let it bother you.

You ask if you heard John right. You say the Knight of Blood is not a god?

##### John: :

> uh...
> 
> no?
> 
> i mean, he is one of the creators, definitely.
> 
> he has participated in creating two universes, so he's more of a creator than i am!
> 
> but that's not the same as being a god.

You ask what it means, specifically, to be a god.

##### John: :

> oh man.
> 
> i am not the best person to ask about that.
> 
> rose is going to be able to tell you so much more.
> 
> but the gist is...
> 
> the version of you that you are in your dreams becomes the "real you", and you kind of operate on lucid dreaming logic.
> 
> we can all fly.
> 
> see?
> 
> also we are immortal.
> 
> and each of us has a specific thing we can more or less control.
> 
> i am the heir of breath, so my thing is wind.
> 
> which is why i ended up being the banisher of storms, i guess?
> 
> some of them are kind of abstract.
> 
> rose's light powers aren't really about literal light, so much.
> 
> i guess i'll hold off on explaining what a seer of light is. you can ask rose when you interview her.
> 
> heh. if your viewers are watching this because they want a life-altering revelation from an aloof, all-knowing immortal, rose is perfect for that.
> 
> that is the interview where you will get the most answers, in the most detail, and probably using the biggest words.
> 
> make sure you ask her some normal-person questions, though.
> 
> ask her about books she likes.
> 
> ask her about kanaya!
> 
> who next...

##### John: :

> i am really hoping roxy gives an interview.
> 
> she is really easy to talk to. you will love her.
> 
> she talks really fast, and she has this sort of casual attitude about everything, but she's also really smart and philosophical.
> 
> you can have a really deep conversation with her and not even realize it until later, just because it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
> 
> and she has the best powers. you guys call us all the creators, but roxy can literally create stuff just by concentrating.
> 
> she created the first matriorb!
> 
> not the first one ever, but the first one this universe had, at least.
> 
> without her, there would be no mother grubs!
> 
> she's also scary good in a fight, but hopefully that is not important anymore.
> 
> and besides all her amazing god powers, she's a scientist, and a programmer!
> 
> i am kind of in awe of her.
> 
> and actually, now that i say all those things about her in a row, kind of... humbled.
> 
> like, when i was ten, i was watching movies and learning card tricks and avoiding my homework.
> 
> when she was ten, she was hacking laboratory equipment and creating cats from slime.
> 
> which, um, wow.
> 
> so basically, roxy is amazing, and everyone should know this.

##### John: :

> then there's dave.
> 
> dave tells me he's not going to give an interview, and i'm really disappointed.
> 
> do you hear that, dave? you should totally do one of these.
> 
> oh man, i'm not even sure what to expect if he did.
> 
> maybe he would do the whole thing in freestyle rap.
> 
> haha, that would be great.
> 
> dave, you have to give a rap interview. do not disappoint rj's viewers!
> 
> anyway, as a creator, i can say that dave is an exemplary colleague. we couldn't have done it without him.
> 
> as a teenager, i can say that dave is my best friend, and his music is great, and he is great, and his rapping is mediocre, and he is a butt for not giving an interview.

##### John: :

> who else...
> 
> uh, well, there's terezi.
> 
> ...
> 
> you know what, terezi can speak for herself.
> 
> i'm going to let her remain a mystery to you guys, for now.
> 
> moving on...

##### John: :

> oh, jade!
> 
> she is a lot of fun.
> 
> she has this bubbly, uplifting personality, and she is really nice to everybody.
> 
> she is my sister! at least, ectobiologically.
> 
> i didn't meet her in person until the incipience.
> 
> but technically, she met me the instant she was created.
> 
> because i am the ectobiologist.
> 
> it's me.
> 
> anyway, she has so much energy, and so many talents.
> 
> she draws, she plays bass guitar, she makes electronic music like dave does, she gardens, she's a... nuclear engineer?
> 
> how are all my friends so smart and accomplished?
> 
> oh, and she is part dog.

##### John: :

> hmm...
> 
> what about... well.
> 
> wow, i am sorry.
> 
> i don't really know what to expect for some of the others!
> 
> all of them are great, and i love them, but i seriously just met some of them a couple of—
> 
> a week ago.
> 
> i am still getting to know them myself!
> 
> i am glad you are doing these interviews.
> 
> i can't wait to see you talk to jane, and jake, and calliope, and dirk, and kanaya, and my d—
> 
> my, um.
> 
> my son.
> 
> yikes, i am still not used to that concept.

You ask him who his son is.

##### John: :

> mister crocker.
> 
> but he's not ecto.
> 
> there's, um, another version of me who lived his life on this version of earth, and not on mine...
> 
> and i guess that version of me adopted a son.
> 
> and because that john and i were the same person for the first several minutes of our life, before going into a time portal that forked into two timelines...
> 
> that makes mister crocker my adopted son, too.
> 
> sort of.
> 
> but in my alternate timeline, he was my dad.
> 
> and the same confusing nonsense applies to jane, except the other way.
> 
> that is, he was her dad, but in my timeline, he was her son.
> 
> and then if you add the ecto relationships, where i am jane's son, but she exists because i paradox-cloned her from herself, you get this really weird, tangled family tree.
> 
> or not even a tree, because it has cycles.
> 
> a really weird family... directed graph, i guess, which is a really clumsy term. i need to check with roxy whether that means what i think it means.
> 
> anyway.
> 
> mister crocker is a good guy. a model father.
> 
> in my timeline, where he was my dad, he was so caring, and supportive.
> 
> always working so hard to show me he loved me.
> 
> always telling me how proud he was.
> 
> i didn't appreciate him enough.
> 
> i miss him.
> 
> i wish...

##### John: :

> wow, i am sorry.
> 
> i didn't mean to get all emotional here.
> 
> um...
> 
> sorry, can i ask you for a new topic? again?

You say of course. You say one thing your viewers are wondering is what the creators plan to do now that they've arrived. You say John has explained the long-term plan, where they return to the past once they're ready, but perhaps he could go into more detail about the near term.

##### John: :

> sure.
> 
> heh.
> 
> well, i mentioned we're going to finish our education.
> 
> originally, i figured i would end up back in regular old school.
> 
> but you guys don't even have the same basic concepts of how education works here.
> 
> not that i am complaining.
> 
> on my earth, school was not fun. i got bullied, sometimes, and i did not have a lot of friends.
> 
> and it was so boring. sometimes i wish i had been homeschooled, like rose and dave and jade.
> 
> maybe not like dave, exactly.
> 
> but dad had a regular nine-to-five job, and we weren't independently wealthy or anything, so if i hadn't been at school, it probably would have just been me sitting at home with textbooks.
> 
> and playing video games instead of doing what i was supposed to, and learning even less than when some tired, underpaid adult was droning at me in a classroom.
> 
> but, anyway, the way it's apparently going to work for us now that we created the universe is, we all get tutors.
> 
> like, the best tutors, apparently, dozens of them, and their whole job is us.
> 
> which, i feel really self-conscious about having that amount of effort put into me, but...
> 
> i guess it makes sense that you'd want to make really sure that the people running the universe know what they're doing.
> 
> i'm not really sure what to expect this to be like.

##### John::

> ##### John: :

> anyway, besides education, i am planning on getting to know this place!
> 
> there are so many movies to see, and video games to play!
> 
> and we are getting invited to a LOT of parties. i did not see that one coming.
> 
> we are going to have to use time travel if we want to attend them all.
> 
> probably not all of us will, but i have been informed that i, at least, will be attending them all.
> 
> which doesn't sound like a thing i would do, but who am i to argue with the seer of mind?

John rolls his eyes when he refers to the troll Seer.

##### John: :

> okay, actually, the party invitations remind me of something that's been freaking me out.
> 
> you know how i find out about my party invitations?
> 
> my... my high priest summarizes them to me in her daily report.
> 
> first of all, the fact that i have a high priest...
> 
> when she first introduced herself as my high priest, i kind of boggled at her, and i asked her the dumbest question.
> 
> "does that mean i have more than one priest?"
> 
> which, of course, the answer was yes. oh man did i feel stupid.
> 
> but besides feeling stupid, i was blown away by the concept that i had ANY priests.
> 
> i am a sixteen year old boy!
> 
> i am a sixteen year old boy, and every morning, a stern old lady in blue robes PRAYS to me, TO MY FACE, and then she... summarizes my email inbox?
> 
> and then prays AGAIN, and asks me to "reveal my divine will", which i just kind of stammer at, because first, what a stuffy way to ask that question...
> 
> and second, i don't have a divine will!
> 
> none of the items on my to-do list require the assistance of a... global religious leader!
> 
> my will is to hang out with friends, and play video games!
> 
> so i mumble out some kind of non-answer, and i feel awkward because i know i'm supposed to phrase it in some kind of aloof, grandiose, stodgy priest dialect, and i am no good at that...
> 
> and then she does some kind of complicated gesture that's maybe halfway to being a dance move, and i think it's supposed to be deferential...
> 
> and i am just so totally out of my element.
> 
> which is ironic, because i am surrounded by icons of my element, because it is a temple to... to ME.
> 
> so there's all this pomp, and ritual, and my priests just kind of expect me to know what's going on?
> 
> i can barely even say the phrase "my priests", it is so weird for me.
> 
> i would have hoped our adult selves would set up this church to not make us feel so awkward.
> 
> but it's like it's specifically designed to make me feel weird and out of place.
> 
> like it's...
> 
> specifically...

##### John::

> ##### John: :

> oh my gog.

John puts his face in his hands, leaning on his knees. You ask if he's alright.

He flops his head backward, resting it on the back of his seat. He spreads his arms, palms out, in a gesture of defeat. But there is a smile on his face.

##### John: :

> it was a prank.
> 
> i pranked myself.
> 
> i can't believe i didn't realize this until i was in the middle of a live tv interview.
> 
> clearly, i am going to grow up, travel back to the past, and set up a stuffy church, specifically to cause this exact embarrassing moment i am experiencing now.
> 
> it's...
> 
> i just...
> 
> wow.
> 
> i need to ask nanna how to score the prankster's gambit when it's your own future self pranking you from the past.

You say you were given a note from the High Priest of the Heir of Breath before the interview. You say she specifically instructed you to keep the note a secret until "the time is right". You say you think you understand what it's about, now.

You tap your mobile's screen. You tell John to check his phone.

As John opens up the media message, your feed shows it to your viewers: The entire ministry of the Can Town Temple of the Heir Transparent (dozens of humans, trolls, Carapacians, and consorts), all wearing T-shirts depicting some kind of green blob with a face, huddled together and facing the camera. In unison, they point at the camera, and shout "Gotcha!". (The snap captions this, which helps, because it's actually kind of hard to make out the word in the jubilantly cacophonous audio.) They break down into laughter and cheers; many of them share high fives or fist bumps. At the bottom of the image, a simple graphic with a jester icon shows the PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT shifting almost entirely into the church's favor.

##### John: :

> ha!
> 
> hahahahahahahaha!
> 
> oh my gog.
> 
> EGBERRRRRRRRT!

John twists around to shake his fist at the statue of his older self, smiling despite himself.

##### John: :

> haha, oh man.
> 
> wow.
> 
> you know what?
> 
> i think maybe i'm going to like it here.


End file.
